"Teacher! Teacher!"

Today, was my first day of teaching at the centers.  I started at 10:30 this morning at the Dohwa Childcare Center.  I taught three 30 minute classes until 12:00.  The time flew by so quickly.  The kids so excited to greet you with a big "Hello"!  Most of them want to be seated closest to you and they yell out "Teacher! Teacher! or 선생님= seun seng nim!"  Oh yeah, that's me!  I worked on colors, shapes, animals, head, shoulders, knees and toes, 5 little ducks, 5 little monkeys.  The kids were so adorable and were really receptive.  They seem to be interested in learning and are eager to share what they already know.

The two schools are in the same district, but are a bit of distance from each other.  From my home I walk 5 minutes to the subway, take the green line to transfer at the light purple line. The transfer is a good distance, then I walk about 15 minutes to the first school.  After the first school, I have an 1.5 hour break.  The walk to the second school should be about 15-20 minutes.  I wouldn't know exactly since I got lost going to both.  I got a little off track, but in the end I reached my destinations early.  Perhaps I will become better with directions during my time here.  I can only hope!

In the evening, I met up with two adoptee friends from my first trip to Korea last July/Aug.  It was so nice and also crazy to see both SB and M here again.  M's husband was also here with her, so it was so nice to meet him as well.  SB remembered a restaurant she had been to the week before, so we went there for dinner. The galbi was delicious and it was nice to have a nice cold beer after a long day.  M and her husband met her Korean family last week, so it was really incredible to hear about her experience and see her photos.  I really enjoyed connecting with them.  We had such a great evening and conversation. 



We walked around the Sinchon area for a bit and decided to do sticker booth photos!  We had fun doing our silly poses and blindly adding the bling to the pics as the entire machine is in Korean.

 

While SB and M went into the stationary store, C and I waited outside and were approached by 2 young guys.  One had a video camera, the other approached us asking if we knew of some internet site.  We didn't know.  He asked us to say "Korea Fighting!" with a fist pump to the camera for the World Cup.  We still don't know where that clip ended up, but I guess we're out there somewhere in cyberspace.
It is comforting to be with people who understand where you're coming from.   How grateful I am to have a wonderful network of friends who are empathetic and compassionate without judgment and have walked in similar shoes.  We spoke about our return to Korea, we acknowledged difficult it is to articulate the feelings an adoptee experiences over one's life.  The feelings are just there its not easy to explain them as we are still trying to make sense of it all.  At the same time, we felt frustration in having to explain and justify our life in minute detail.  We feel as if we've been explaining who we are, what we are, why we are, all of our life.  There comes a time when you are tired of having to justify yourself to people.  Most people can go about life without having to explain the types of things we do.  We discussed how adoption is most commonly romanticized and celebrated.  People loosely use the word adoption and simply say, "those kids would be better if they were just adopted".  Adoption is a solution, but it is important to acknowledge and nurture the loss the child experienced.  Parents back in the day were misguided and ill-prepared for what ramifications accompany adoption.  These days, it seems prospective parents are more educated and aware of the sensitivities in an adoptee.  Yes, adoption can bring about a wonderful union to a family and opportunity to a child who otherwise has very little.  It seems the perception of adoption is how the child has been saved and how 'lucky' they are to have a second chance at life.  Being the lucky chosen one brings about feelings of being indebted or under obligation to exceed expectations and an overwhelming need to please everyone.  I read that adoptees innately fear rejection again because they experienced rejection at their most innocent vulnerable stage in their life.  Because of this underlying fear, they feel the need to be obedient, overachievers who don't want to make a wrong step for fear they will be sent back.  I also read this is not the case for adopted siblings.  Adopted siblings are often polar opposites.  One is straight and narrow, overachiever, 'perfect' child while the other is the rebellious, careless, sometimes reckless, black sheep child.  Often with adopted siblings, I've heard that one will have a strong desire to find their birth family while the other has no interest whatsoever.  Interesting... 

There is no doubt we had loving families who cared for us and wanted the best for us.  We were provided for, had lots of opportunity, had many successful achievements, but there was still something missing.  People just think, 'buck up and get over it', you have a lot to be 'thankful' for, ignore the past, it doesn't matter... Its just simply insensitive to place judgment and have such an omniscient point of view about something one knows nothing about.  Its not simply adoption either, its trans-racial, international adoption.  It is seen as "this or that", a choice between families- birth and adoptive, but it is not that at all.  It has nothing to do with choosing sides.  It is about us finding our identity, to finally gain an understanding of where we came from, to meet our blood relation, to try to fill a void which has existed within us for a lifetime.  We've had much fulfillment in our life and many blessings, but this underlying wound still exists and we wish to take action in mending it.

I am so happy that my mom, without a doubt knows that she is my mother and that nothing can take that away.  She shared this "Dear Annie" article with me that was really comforting to show how much she really understood...

"Searching for birth parents is about the adopted children knowing their biological roots, which helps them form a more complete image of themselves. But on an emotional basis, it is difficult for adoptive parents, even though studies show overwhelmingly that adoptees feel closer to their adoptive parents after meeting their birth parents. I'd advise this mother to let go a little. Her daughter will, in time, appreciate the woman who rocked her as a baby, dried her tears and shared in her accomplishments. This is a bond the birth parents don't have.  - Adoption Counselor in California

The majority of adoptees searching for their birth parents are not trying to replace their adoptive parents. They want to fill the gaps in their histories. My adoptive mother said it best: "The reunion is not about me as a mother or my relationship with my daughter. It is about her finding what she needs to become whole." 

Article by Sentinel & Enterprise

Date: Saturday, February 13 2010 

 

I don't know, perhaps some people never grant themselves the permission to seek authentic happiness or to take pleasure in things that bring them joy.  Maybe they choose to ignore the skeletons in the closet or the elephant in the room, because that is easier for them to live in complacency.  For us, we believe we would be doing ourselves and the others we love and care about a disservice by continuing to ignore something so significant.  If you're not right with yourself, you aren't going to be fully present for others.  This journey is intimately personal, which has been perceived as selfish.  It is not an easy choice for us.  Between us, we are married, have 5 children, families, pets, homes, jobs, responsibilities. What may be perceived as a vacation in Korea is truly hard soul work.  It is an emotionally charged experience to be here.  It is frustrating to be so foreign to a place where you physically blend in for the first time in your life.  To blend in until you open your mouth to speak unable to communicate or understand.  At the same time, you feel at ease walking around virtually unnoticed.  To see millions of faces of women who look like you and wonder if they could be your mother, your sister.  

I can remember as a child and even a teenager, I was always nervous to meet young children, because they often asked me why my eyes were the way they were, why my nose was so flat, with gestures of course.  I never knew what to say.  I was never comfortable with my appearance.  I wanted more than anything to just look like the rest of my family.  When I went to a restaurant, I hated that the waiter would ask if we needed separate checks.  When I was going to my childcare centers for the first time, I had those same anxious feelings about meeting the kids. What uncomfortable questions would they ask about my appearance?  Upon meeting them, I realized I could let that go.  The kids are Korean and I look like the people they see 95% of the time.



Take one day at a time, its all one can do.  Walk through your life with eyes wide open, observe and be present in each moment.  I have been here one week, so this is only the beginning.  I can say that I am enlightened and enriched by the experiences I have had.  I am taking it all in to the point that my brain hurts and I haven't even started my language course yet. 

This entry got a little heavy, but this is the root of what brought me here.  This is my perspective and the perspective of other adoptees I know or have read about.  There are some adoptees who cannot relate to what I've said.  We all have different stories, some grew up in different decades, but the common thread is that we were given up before we could be loved by anyone else.  That cannot be denied or forgotten.